How to change your Self-Identity: Part Three of Three

Today’s post is about one of the most powerful applications derived from the philosophy of TWD: Self-Identity Shaping.

Through TWD colored glasses.

From having read my previous posts (you’ve read them, haven’t you?) it’s clear that TWD focuses on behavior: thoughts, words, and deeds. Everything always translates into behavior looking through the lens of TWD. This is important as you shape your Self-Identity.

To climb a mountain.

Intention (what you want) is like a mountain you want to climb. You see it in the distance. You picture yourself standing on the peak in victory. That’s the result. You can’t control whether you achieve that result. Things may happen along the climb that prevent you from reaching the peak. All you can control, and what you must concern yourself with, is what you do (e.g. selecting proper equipment, hiring a knowledgeable guide, planning a safe route, etc.). If you do what it takes you will achieve your goal. But you can’t know what it takes until you’ve succeeded.

As you climb you can’t keep your eyes forever glued to the peak, you’ll trip and fall. Instead you need to be aware of the terrain you’re climbing. Where are you putting your foot, right now? Where can you grab with your hand? Every once in a while you reorient with a glance at the peak. Otherwise your focus needs to be on the current conditions and what you need to do in the moment.

Results/Behavior Dictionary

What this means is that you must translate your Intention (the result you want) into behavior (i.e. what you will do with your thoughts, words, and deeds). Here are some examples:

• I want to get an A in chemistry—Translation—>I will study for one hour every weeknight after supper.
• I want to make more sales—Translation—>I will call 150 potential customers this month.
• I want to be fit—Translation—>I will train with weights for 30 minutes three times per week.
• I want to be popular—Translation—>I will smile more and ask more open ended questions in conversation.

Can you see how making your goals behavior based gives you control. How can the salesman get more sales? The customer has to decide to buy. That’s up to the customer. The salesman can increase his odds by talking to more people. Making more calls is in his control. Other options would be to improve his product knowledge or sales technique. Both within his control.

Very important! Define what you want in terms of behavior.

The ultimate training technique.

Once you have your Intention interpreted into behavior you now have a powerful means of training your Self-Identity. What you will be doing is something called Shaping. Shaping, as we will be using the term, is from behavioral science. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get technical. Shaping is defined as positively reinforcing a tendency toward an ultimate behavior. The jargon is “successive approximations.”

“Successive approximations” can be thought of as small steps in the right direction. No matter how small the step, if it’s in the right direction, you are getting closer to your goal and you need to positively reinforce that behavior.

What you’ll be doing is shaping your Self-Identity so it supports the behavior you need to achieve the goals you have for yourself.

Self-Identity Shaping

Your thoughts, words, and deeds which you reinforce will increase in frequency. The thoughts, words, and deeds which you replace will decrease in frequency.

• Reinforced behavior increases
• Replaced behavior decreases

To reinforce.

Reinforce each thought, word, and deed that is consistent, or successively approximate, with your new Self-Identity. You reinforce it by directing awareness toward it. Self-praise is a convenient method. When you do something that you want to reinforce you can say to yourself (mentally or aloud): “Excellent.” “That’s what I’m looking for. Perfect!” “Yes! Well done.” Especially use the phrase “That’s like me.”

You are conditioning yourself to embrace a new Self-Identity. The attitude you want every time you do something in line with your new behavior is: “This is who I am now. This is what I do. I’m just being me.”

There are other methods of reinforcement and I will get into details in later posts. For now practice self-praise. Train yourself to be aware of the tiniest steps in the right direction and praise yourself immediately. The quicker you reinforce yourself after the behavior the more powerful the connection.

It may seem silly but picture the excitement and praise people give a little baby just for making a noise that even remotely sounds like a word. That baby gets so much reinforcement for that tiny, random sound which is a crude approximation of a word. It’s developing brain thinks, “I don’t know what all that fuss was about but it feels good so here I go again.” Treat yourself the same way. Make a big deal out of the smallest improvement. The smaller the positive change you can notice the better.

To replace.

Replace each thought, word, or deed that is inconsistent with your new Self-Identity with a thought, word, or deed that is consistent, or successively approximate. When you become aware of an inconsistency say to yourself, “That’s not like me. I used to behave that way (think that way, speak that way) but not any more. Now I…” and describe your new Self-Identity.

It may happen that you will find yourself arguing for the old Self-Identity with its undesired behavior. For example: “That’s not like me. I used to sleep in but now I get up the first time the alarm goes off……Is that right? How come I’ve slept in the last three days in a row, then? I’ll never change. I’m just not a morning person.”

This is where it’s imperative that you notice the tiniest improvements. Use Intentional Questions to focus on what you are doing right. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. “What did I do (in thought, word, or deed) that is consistent with my new Self-Identity?”
2. “What could I have done (in thought, word, or deed) differently to be more consistent with my new Self-Identity?”
3. “What will I do differently (in thought, word, or deed) the next time a similar situation occurs?”

Remember, you can never have done anything else. You are doing the best you can. It took time to become who you are, it will take time to become who you want to be. Notice what you are doing right and focus on that.

Example of Self-Identity Shaping

Intention: To get fit and lose some fat; to weigh 160 pounds.

• Behavior goal: Train in your home gym, before work, three times a week. (There are other behaviors necessary to reach the goal but we’ll keep it simple for this example.)
• Every time you wake up early and train before work you reinforce yourself: “That’s the stuff. I’m up early, I’m exercising before work, just like I said I would. I’m getting fitter, mentally and physically. Good job. 160 pounds here I come.”

Same Intention, different morning:

• You sleep through your alarm for some reason. You have to skip your scheduled workout and may even be late for work. Deal with this as soon as you wake up: “Whoa! That’s not like me. I wake up on time. Better make sure the alarm is working. Maybe I’ll set up another one to go off across the room as a back up. Oh, well. It’s the first missed workout in over two weeks. I’m still on track. If I have time I’ll do a rudimentary workout after supper.”

By using Self-Identity Shaping any behavior, consistent or inconsistent, creates opportunity for improvement.

• When you do something consistent with your new Self-Identity you reinforce it. This strengthens that aspect of yourself, making it a more natural part of you.
• When you do something inconsistent with your Self-Identity you replace it. This weakens the unwanted behavior decreasing the ease of accessing that response in the future.
• Any behavior at all can be used to focus on what you want of yourself.

Some suggestions to get started.

When you begin using this method be sure not to set so many behavior goals for yourself that you can’t relax your vigilance and you become overwhelmed. I’d suggest you begin with a maximum of two behaviors. Self-Identity Shaping is a behavior in itself. You have to learn to shape yourself as you learn to acquire new behavior.

Improving your posture can be a fun way of making both the posture and the Self-Identity Shaping method into habits. Other ubiquitous behaviors you might consider are:

• improving your speaking habits (e.g. cutting out fillers such as: uh, like, you know)
• cutting out foul, or distasteful, language
• smiling more or improving eye contact with others
• eating habits (either including or excluding certain foods)

Choose a behavior or two that you do often so that you have an opportunity to practice your awareness, and the shaping methods, frequently throughout the day. Something you only do once a day, like getting out of bed in the morning, will not afford you enough practice in the learning stages of this new self-training method.

Once you have the knack of using Self-Identity Shaping you can begin experimenting with less frequent and more challenging behaviors. Who knows of what you are capable? Even you don’t know.

If you need help with any of this leave a comment or question.